HOMER SIMPSON
Jack Hammond, 50, nuclear steam-pipe fitter, Astoria, Queens
Plant life: “I was born and raised in Jackson Heights. I do pipe fitting. You weld. You screw. You bang and boom. I’ve done work all over the place, at Ravenswood, the plant over here in Astoria, and I had cousins and stuff that worked out at Indian Point. But I needed to take some rest, so that’s why I’m at a bar in the middle of the day, if you must know.”
Drink of choice: “I hear good things about beer. Samuel Adams is my favorite. It’s got good head! Good body! When you come pick me up for the photo shoot, put some of that in the car for me. And golf balls. So I can throw them out the window! [Laughs] Are you listening? Helloooo?”
On his real-life Marge: “I got a honey. She’s gonna love this! But I’m not talking about her anymore or she’ll kill me.”
Favorite pastime: “Rambling around.”
On Homer: “I have put on a few pounds lately. It depends on how many seconds and thirds I go for. And Homer keeps on trying, he keeps on pushing, beating his head against the wall. I can relate to that. Life blows one way and you gotta go the other. Whaddaya gonna do? You put your head in the wind.”
BART SIMPSON
Ramin Abrams, 13, skateboard punk, Upper East Side
On Bart: “My friends say I’m like Bart, but I don’t have huge eyes and yellow skin. I ask my parents lots of stupid questions like Bart does, though. I asked my dad if he ever smoked drugs.”
Best skating in NYC: “I hang out at Blades [Board and Skate] ’cause it’s just three blocks from my house. And there’s the 108th Street skate park on Riverside. I like skating at Fordham University and Columbus Circle, too. You just gotta be careful of security. They scream and say, ‘Get out.’ No place that’s fun wants you to skate there.”
School ties: “I’m known to get in a little trouble. Once, we were talking about women’s rights and I said to my teacher, ‘Want to hear a joke? Women’s rights.’ I got detention. Also, my teacher got mad when I said, ‘What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs!’ I’ve got more, wanna hear ’em? What happened when Cinderella got to the ball? She gagged.”
Moon over Manhattan: “I love mooning people—at the house, or around the corner from my house. They react very badly. They get shocked and stuff. One time, I threw water balloons out my window. I love popping smoke bombs, too. When that kinda stuff happens, I just run away. My parents can’t find out. My dad would cancel my Instant Messenger.”
MARGE SIMPSON
Elise Miller, 38, stay-at-home mom, Sunset Park, Brooklyn
A day in the life: “My husband wakes up on the sofa. I wake up with my one-year-old, Frankie, attached to me like a barnacle. And I’ve got my three-year-old, Ry, my special little guy. When both kids are up, all chaos reigns. I wolf my food so that I have time to get the dishes done. Sometimes I’ll bring them to the grocery store, or we’ll hang out at Target. Ry will help me by putting items onto the conveyor belt. Today we were in a candy store, and when we left, Frankie had two Chunkys in her lap. So I had to teach them a lesson.”
On Marge: “Like her, I’m very crafty. I love to decorate. I cook, too. I make pasta Elise-io. It has a lot of sautéed garlic, olive oil, pine nuts, raisins, some kind of frozen vegetable and maybe dried apricot. You might say the secret ingredient is salt.”
On her husband, Bryan: “I got him Corona once, but he said it tasted like water. He specifically asked me to get him canned beer—the cheaper the better. He works for a law firm, which is kind of like a nuclear reactor. He’s in a band called the Useless Bastards. Homer’s in a barbershop quartet. Homer got a Grammy. Bryan didn’t get a Grammy.”
Most Marge-like traits: “Road rage, definitely. I can’t stand people who park diagonally on the corner. Or people who honk at me the second the light turns green. I always forgive my husband for making a mess after I lovingly clean our home. You know, after grumbling a bit.”
MAGGIE SIMPSON
Elie Husum, 1, baby, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
On Maggie: [Sucks pacifier] “Bah bah bah bah!”
On her real-life Marge: [Sucks pacifier] “Bah bah bah bah, maw maw maw maw maw!”
A day in the life: [Sucks pacifier] “Bah bah bah bo bo!”
LISA SIMPSON
Allyson Fabes, 10, saxophone prodigy, Staten Island
On Lisa: “My favorite character, because she plays the saxophone. I want to be vegetarian, but my mom won’t let me.”
Whiz kid: “I graduated from P.S. 30 in Staten Island and I now go to Solomon Schechter Day School in New Jersey. I read books but my favorite subject is math. I like to multiply fractions and divide them. I do it for fun. I always finish my math problems first ’cause I always get it right. I was thinking, like, before I started playing the saxophone, I could be a banker.”
One time, at band camp... “We had American Idol Day. We weren’t allowed to do it on our primary instrument, so I tap-danced. [The audience] screamed and clapped. They loved me. But I love jazz ’cause it’s such a pretty sound. My favorite musicians are Charlie Parker and John Coltrane. I’m in two bands [at the Manhattan School of Music]. I take ear training and private lessons. This year I played at Carnegie Hall. I get very nervous, but then I just worry about not messing up the notes. I want to be a saxophonist when I grow up, but Mom wants me to have a backup. Like banking.”
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